Comment Wall

Link to my project: The Divine Bow
Please be nice to me! :) 

Rama breaking the bow (Wikimedia Commons)


Comments

  1. Hi Ryeli! I like your project. The fact that you're going to talk about Pinaka immediately captured my interest, because I'm actually going to be using the Pinaka in my project too! Though in a very different way. I really enjoyed how your Introduction is setting the scene for the stories that you're going to be writing. I thought this part of the Ramayana was very interesting, so I'm excited to see what you do with it. Are you going to be doing a retelling of this portion of the Ramayana as it is? Or are you going to be putting your own twist on it? Based on how the bow is telling the story in the Introduction, I think you'll be telling the story from it's point of view. I guess I'll have to see to find out for certain. :) I couldn't find any specific changes to suggest to you, the story was written really well and I can tell you put a lot of effort into this project and I'm excited to see how it turns out when it's finished!

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  2. After reading the into, I really liked your writing style. It was fun and light-hearted and reads well. I liked that you gave Shiva a personality as an underlying text to the main point of the story. It gave me the feeling that he was ornery and serious all at the same time. When he is in thought drinking his tea he is wise and serious, as a respected god should be. But then when Pinaka arrives and starts the story of how him and Shiva met, I just pictured Shiva rolling his eyes and putting his head in his hands and thinking, “here we go..” Made me laugh to picture him this way.

    I do have a few questions/suggestions after reading the intro. Pinaka is Shiva’s bow. However, in the title of the story it’s supposed to be the divine bow. You might expand a little on the importance of this bow and maybe a little bit about the history between Shiva and Pinaka to fill out why Shiva is so impatient about it’s return. And how the bow is divine.

    I also was a little confused at first and had to re-read it a couple times. You refer to Shiva as Shiva, The Destroyer and the god of dance. It took me a couple times to figure out that this was all the same person. I think it’s important to show that he is referred to as numerous things and I’m not real sure on how to smooth this one out, but I think if someone was reading this story for the first time and had no knowledge of the origins, they might be a little confused.

    Overall, I really enjoyed the look of your page. The home page was easy to navigate through. The pictures are bright and fun to look at. I had a hard time trying to find a picture that looks good with the page and I’m still not happy with it. I would like it to look more similar to your page. I also liked that it was easy to find everything and that they links from the front page took you to the intro or you can click on the tabs in the top right corner. Great job! I’ll be interested to read more as the semester goes along!

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  3. Hi Ryeli! Wow! I really enjoyed your introduction! When first reading your home page, I was not familiar with what (or who) the Pinaka was which caught my attention. The dialogue between Pinaka and Shiva is funny and evocative; I felt like I could feel their emotions as the conversation went on. The Pinaka's lively personality is an excellent contrast to Shiva's brooding demeanor, which may be why the dialogue flows so well! Your introductory paragraph is also well written. There's a lot of information to take in but you managed to avoid the many unnecessary frills that often come along with creative writing. Also now I realize how brilliantly this ending is going to flow into the rest of your storybook!

    I have questions, rather than concerns; such as how the Pinaka moves or does anything really. This may be answered going forward in your storybook but I would love to see some background on the Pinaka included, even if it was just a link to a resource you used! Going along with that, a more prominent picture of the Pinaka on the homepage or introduction could provide crucial information to the reader that we are indeed talking about a simple bow. I would also just like to see it!

    Overall this was really well done and I can't wait to see more about the Pinaka!

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  4. Hello Ryeli!

    I loved your introduction, and you did a great job of not only making me interested in the story but told about what your future stories will. I love the way you set up the characters with the simple details such as mannerisms and tone of voice. I think your intro was sweet and to the point which I think is perfect for an introduction. Some of the beginning sentences you mention Pinaka being brought in but then later you speak about it walking in on its own. Once I re-read it a couple time it made more sense to me. However maybe there is a way to make it a little more clear to the reader initially. Also you at first refer to the bow as Pinaka and then in the very end you say THE pinaka. Very minor things in my opinion. Overall I loved the intro and cant wait to read the rest of your stories.

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  5. Hi! I really like the introduction as you did an excellent job in making me feel interested and curious about what is going to happen throughout this passage. I feel that the way that Shiva, Brahma and Vishnu were depicted throughout the story shows that the Pinaka was broken and Shiva was not able to understand what is going on. I also feel like the dialogues were alright and easy to understand since it is very important to know what is what and what character stands for what god or goddess. Pinaka was a little confusing for me as well since it was altered by the way you mentioned the gods and goddesses and their roles. Altogether, I liked the way everything flowed and fit together. And maybe with a little revision, this would be a perfect start to future stories.

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  6. Hi Ryeli! Overall your intro is great! I love that Pinaka is a bit dramatic and that Shiva gets annoyed with this; it helped me relate to them both. I would love to see Pinaka being overly dramatic in his storytelling. I also thought the dialogue was a good fit to show Shiva and Pinaka's relationship. I love Shiva’s sassiness in this. Pinaka's excitement in the last line made me really interested to hear what he has to say next.

    I’m not sure if this was intentional, but the “intro” link embedded on the home page (below the “comment wall” link) opens the intro page in a new tab instead of redirecting the page.

    Something that confused me a bit was the narration. I couldn’t quite tell if the narrator was supposed to be an objective third-person voice or Shiva’s voice. For example, when the narrator says “The tea itself was fine” it made me think that we were inside Shiva’s head, but then when the narrator voice says, “but don’t tell Brahma or Vishnu that”, I couldn’t tell if that was supposed to be Shiva’s thoughts or just the narrator’s. And at the end, “It was clear there was not a short way out of this situation”, was it clear to Shiva or just the all-knowing narrator? If the narrator’s point of view is inside Shiva’s head, maybe something like, “It was clear to Shiva…” or “Shiva knew there was not a short way out…” could create some consistency and clarity to the narrator’s intended perspective.

    The setting was unclear to me. It might help me picture the scene better if I knew more details on where this interaction took place. My first thought was a coffee shop because of the mentioned tea, but I assumed from the description of an intricately decorated door that it was actually some sort of palace, maybe Shiva's home. A description of the setting would be helpful for future stories, especially if Shiva interjects in Pinaka's stories; having a solid setting in mind would help the reader keep track of shifting from past settings where Pinaka's stories take place, to the current setting where Pinaka is telling Shiva these stories.

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  7. Hey Ryeli,

    I enjoyed reading your story. I liked how you really brought out the personalities of each character through your use of dialogue. However, I would suggest you look into using action-beat dialogues. Traditional talk dialogues include: said, talked, questioned, interrupted, etc. With action-beat dialogues, you can elevate the emotions of the overall story and help your readers better visualize your point of view as a writer. Correct me if I am wrong, but do storybooks also require an author's note for every story? If so, perhaps you can add the author's note at the end to even further help your readers understand basis of rendition. Overall, great job on your intro!

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  8. Hi Ryeli! I really enjoyed your storybook's introduction. I like how you decided to start the introduction as a story that leads into the other stories. I like your characters and how you gave them each a bit of personality and humor. I would like to know where they are though. Maybe Shiva was sitting in his arm chair drinking tea by the fireplace? Or on a balcony in the open spring air? In his royal court? Just a few suggestions! Giving a setting definitely helps the reader visualize the story better. Overall your writing was easy to follow and fun to read. Great job on making your writing interesting but not giving too much away. I also really enjoyed your pictures that you have on the introduction and home page. The title "The Divine Bow" also really got me interested in your storybook. I wish you the best of luck for the rest of the semester.

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  9. Hi Ryeli!
    After reading the introduction I find the topic of Shiva and the bow, because this was never really wrote about in length in our readings. Once I got to the end I was ready to go to the next to the story to see everything play out and read more on the story of what is happened.

    The only thing I would change is maybe the structure of how the introduction is done. I like how it is like a little short story just trying to add some background to what is suppose to come. However, I think there needs to be more of a background in the sense of history of how everything become and what each item is. For instance, where did the bow come from and how did it get become something Shiva become to own. Other than wanting a little more history or background behind the what the story is going to be about, it looks like you have a good start to something good.

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  10. Hi Ryeli! I really liked your intro. Using a short excerpt from your larger story in order to get your project going right away is really good! I think you did a great job characterizing Shiva and Pinaka as really different from each other. Shiva's internal monologue was great, and you captured his haughtiness and impatience really well. Pinaka came across as kind of dumb, not quite keeping up with what Shiva was talking about all the time. The misunderstanding of Shiva's request plus the description of Pinaka's body (bow?) language really characterized Pinaka well. Also, my favorite part of your story is the slightly metafictional sentence, "He wasn’t sure how the bow even opened the door, but that was none of his concern." This is a concern of the reader -- How can a bow open the door if it has no arms? No legs? It's not alive? -- and you acknowledge it as Shiva's thoughts dovetail with those of the reader. By taking the reader out of your story for just a moment, reminding the reader that the characters are having some of the same concerns about the believability of the narrative, you provide a perfect hint to the reader that this is indeed a fiction collection meant for class.

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  11. Hi Ryeli! First off I love this idea! Giving the Pinaka a personality and having it tell its story is really imaginative. Both in the Intro and Janaka you paint a vivid picture into the personality of this divine weapon and I love it! I love that a weapon sounds so chipper and silly and forgetful. You have created such a playful character! How did you come up with this idea? What made you want to give Pinaka such a youthful personality? I am very curious! One thing I would suggest is to maybe give an Author's Note after the Intro as well. The way you have your Author's Note on Janaka actually works really well (I like the "work in progress" nature of your note) so you might not even need one on the Intro so you can probably ignore this suggestion. Just something to ponder. Keep up the great work!

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  12. Hi Ryeli! I decided to come back and read your first story. Great job. I just love that the Pinaka can talk and has a personality. Little Sita was adorable! I love that we're both going to be using the Pinaka's in our stories (the Pinaka will probably come up in my last story, so keep an eye out if you want to read it). In your story he's so fun and talkative. I have very different plans for the Pinaka in my story.

    Skimming through your Intro again and reading Janaka, I enjoyed both. I'm very excited to see where you're going to take this story. I assume you're going to come full circle and talk about the events of the Ramayana? Where Rama breaks the bow? I'm excited to see what the Pinaka has to say about that. Both of these stories are very good, you're a good story teller! These stories seem to flow well and the first story picks up where your Intro left off. Fantastic job, and keep up the good work!

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  13. Hi Ryeli! Very cool Storybook so far. I love the idea and the richness and detail that you include in your stories. In particular, I really enjoy the personalities that you've given all the characters, and how you were able to develop them so quickly and effortlessly within the Intro and first Story. One question that came up for me, that I'm sure will likely get answered later on, is "If Shiva liked his bow so much, what would cause him to give it up?" I don't know if that's a detail you're intentionally planning on answering later, but I'm definitely curious to learn that background. I also wasn't sure why Shiva would end hunger if he's the Destroyer? Adding a sentence elaborating on that would be helpful. Finally, I really enjoy how conversational your Author's Note is! It's fun to hear your thoughts acknowledging the work in progress, and I hope that as your direction and stories evolve, your Author's Note(s) do as well.

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  14. Hi Reyeli!
    I already commented on your intro and home page but I wanted to come back and read your second story now that you have it posted. Starting off I really like how much life you give each of the characters. It is really easy to visualize what they are feeling and doing because of how well you have made your descriptions of them. I also like that Sita is young in this story it really makes the Father telling a story more realistic and sweet. I'm really glad you continued to give Pinaka dialogue it makes the legend of the bow so much more fun to relive when the bow is the actual thing talking. You also use this dialogue to add in some humor which is great! Adding in the origin story was very smart I think. I liked learning where Pinaka came from and how he ended up with Sita's father. Overall great job!

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  15. Hey Reyeli!
    I read your introduction first and could tell right off the bat that youre an incredible writer. Just curious if this is one of your hobbys? I think your way with words is amazing and your introduction was really locking me in for the main course. It really draws people in for your story and I enjoy all your details. For your story, I like how you gave a personality to each of the characters that we dont really get to see in the story but its a very descriptive story. I think this story just needs a little more action but other than that I think your writing is amazing!

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  16. Hi Reyeli!
    I really enjoyed the story! The fact that you gave the bow life was very interesting and I would have never thought of that. I really like how you made the story full of dialogue and even though Sita is the main element in the original story you made something small like the bow the central theme. I also really liked your explanation of how everything balances out. Which can be really hard to explain. Also enjoyed how you portrayed Sita as a young girl and reminded me of myself with all the childlike wonder that she had. I think that the website was easy to use and maybe could use some stylization of you into the page. Overall it was a really great story to read and I did enjoy the third person element. I like the outside looking in. Maybe you could even try a narrator point of view.

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  17. Hi Ryeli! After reading your intro and first story I had to come back and read your next one. I really like the style of writing that you have picked. It really kept me interested and intrigued throughout the entire story. The only thing I noticed is that if the bow is so heavy why is only one maid looking for it? Maybe you could alter it a bit so that multiple maids are looking for the bow before Sita goes and finds it. I like that the bow has such a personality and a good relationship with Sita. I also liked how you made her the hero of this story. I also think that Sita deserved more than she got in her original story and have been using my blog and storybook to give her a better ending as well. I really enjoyed this second story and look forward to reading the others!

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  18. Wonderful start to your Storybook project! Upon first opening your website, it's full of color and intrigue and goes into a narrative right away in the introduction which hooks your reader's imagination immediately. Your writing flows effortlessly at a steady pace. It seems to straddle the line between dialogue and description driven which is a good balance. The concept of a personified divine weapon is incredibly charming, especially so since for such a dramatic instrument is such a dramatic, sassy character! I was anticipating that if anything Pinaka would be the serious one, but was tickled that instead he is the comic relief as far as I can tell. It's interesting how you've chosen to refer to the object as "it" instead of "he" or "she," when I realized the sexless object was speaking I was confused for a second but in the end I think this works. I'm interested to see how the story progresses! You've got me hooked so far, so I'll definitely be back!

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  19. Hey Ryeli!

    I am glad I got to visit your storybook project this week! When I first visited your home page I was very impressed by the design and layout. I thought the images you chose looked really neat and added a nice pop of color to your page. The images also gave a visual idea as to what your storybook was going to be about. Next, I navigated to your intro page and once again really liked the layout because it looked professional and neat. While reading your intro post I thought it was informative yet entertaining. I liked that there was dialogue because it made it flow better. I thought your theme of focusing on some of the divine weapons was very interesting and made me want to read more! Overall, I am very happy I got to read some of your project and am excited to see how it will progress.

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  20. Ryeli,

    I have commented on your storybook before and it looks like you've made some great progress. I am focusing this time on the imagery you used. Overall I like how large your banner pictures are. When you click on the story the first thing you see is the large banner picture which really adds to your story. I think its great that you use the same type of historic art for your stories as well. The Janaka and Sita story both have these and it would be great to stick with this theme. Adding small pictures to your stories could be something to think about adding to your storybook. The Divine Bow was a good story but since it consists of a lot of narration I think adding a small picture could help you understand it a bit more. Even a picture of the garden that Sita is in could be a great addition. Overall I think your storybook is looking great!

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  21. Hey Ryeli, what a great start to your storybook! While I was reading through your introduction, I was unsure of what the Pinaka was; however, this made me more interested in reading through the rest of your storybook to find out what it was. I really liked how you are setting up this storybook with three different point of views; it is nice because gives three perspectives of the Pinaka. Not only that but I love how all of the stories flow together. Especially how the introduction is story and then it flows into your first story. Adding dialogue into your story helped the characters come to life as well! As for the pictures you used, I believe you made the right choice and it fits with all of your stories. I cannot wait until you add more stories in! I will definitely come back to your page to read it. Keep up the good work!

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  22. Hi Ryeli!
    What a fun topic! I was slightly confused in the intro since Shiva asked for the story, and then seemed like he didn't really want to listen. However it was a fun way to set up the other chapters! The Origin story was neat to read, and I enjoyed how you gave Pinaka personality traits similar to Sita. It reminded me a bit like Beauty and the Beast and could imagine the scene. I like how the authors note explained your thinking, and went ahead and answered questions ahead of time. I enjoyed the backstory of Sita lifting the bow which caused the kings proclamation. I liked the side note explaining the definition of Bhut, and think the authors note clearly said the changes and why. I really appreciate the changes made and think it will definitely help with the storyline.

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  23. Ryeli,

    This week our assignment was to focus on the author's note so that is what my comment will be on. After reading all of your author's notes I really enjoy how you add your intent behind the stories. I really was able to get an idea of what inspired you or why you went a certain direction with the story. Some minor things I might change would be to read all of the author's notes and get rid of some of the acronyms such as "lol." It seems like you are going for a more relaxed and dialogue type of tone which I do like. I think you should stick with that but just make sure its narrative everyone would understand. The last thing is possibly adding some additional information on the background. Most people in this class understand the background but I would love to hear about some of the additional research you conducted and what new information you learned from that. Overall I really enjoy your storybook !

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  24. Hello,
    I love the way your introduction is written!! It leads the reader to be intrigued and wanting to read the following stories. I like how you spoke for Shiva. You gave him a sassy attitude which I found to be funny. I thought the dialogue between Pinaka and Shiva was hilarious. You brought life to the characters making them interesting. This continued into the following stories as well with the dialogue of Janaka. I found the origins of Pinaka to be interesting. Most of this I had never heard about, so it was all new to me. As for the story with Sita I found her to be extremely dramatic. I laughed when she said that nobody would marry her now that she was a monster. And your last story about Rama I found to be just as interesting as the prior ones. The characters were very lively and I thought Rama fit the personality I have come to think of him having.

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  25. Hey Ryeli! This is my first time getting to visit your project site so I read through all of your stories. I really enjoyed your storybook! When reading through the Ramayana, I did not once think about how Shiva must have felt when he heard his bow was broken. I really liked how you gave the bow such a deep story and used so much anthropomorphism.

    This week, Professor Gibbs requested that we look at paragraphs. I really liked how your storybook was so dialogue-oriented. I think that choosing dialogue as the method for telling your story does a really good job of conveying emotions and is a great way to handle multiple characters in one story. Also, the dialogue allows for quick reading. Shortening up your paragraphs with the dialogue allowed me to very quickly read through your storybook. Even with the short paragraphs, your story conveys a great amount of descriptive detail and does great with imagery. I do not have any recommendations for paragraphs; I think you nailed it!

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  26. Hey Ryeli! This is the first time I have visited your site and I really like it! You have a good flow to your site and the images that you have selected really help tie the theme of your page together. Your story telling that you have throughout your storybook is awesome! I really enjoy the dialogue that you have created amongst your different characters! I like the story of Sita and the bow that you used in your second story. The concern on wether or not Sita would still be able to be married based off of her strength alone was very interesting. I like how you kept true to the story but added your own flare to the story to make it unique and your own piece. Overall I greatly enjoyed reading through your work and will most likely return to read it again! Can not wait to see your story book evolve.

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